HERE'S A TASTY TIDBIT FROM AN UPCOMING ADVENTURE OF DOCTOR UNKNOWN JUNIOR AND HER FAITHFUL SIDEKICK, JACK CHRISTIAN!
WATCH OUT FOR "ZOMBIES -R- US"
"Oh. My. Goddess," she said with a shudder. It was the first time I had ever heard anything like fear in Dana Unknown's voice.
"What?" I said. She didn't reply. I grabbed her shoulder and swiveled her around to face me, chair and all.
"Dana. What is it? What did you find?"
She shook her head. "I really, really wish I were just a tiny bit incompetent, so I could comfort myself with the hope that I've made a mistake."
Well, at least she wasn't shaken enough to dent her colossal ego.
"Dana, what is it?"
She took a deep breath, swatted my hand off her shoulder, and swiveled back toward her computer monitor.
"The zombie virus," she said slowly, "cannot be cured. It cannot be cured because it isn't a disease. The so-called virus is, in fact, a cure."
"What are you saying? A cure for what?"
She turned back around, smiling ruefully.
"A cure for what we are."
"You can feel free to start making sense at any time."
"The virus-- and it isn't really a virus, though it is roughly analogous to one-- is actually something for which there is no name. I'll call it a 'genetic rebooter.' What it does, basically, is to return the DNA of members of a particular species to the original 'default' setting after there has been a forced mutation."
"I don't think you quite grasp the concept of making sense."
"Shut up, Jack. I'll say it as simply as I can. At some point in the distant past, someone or something tampered with human DNA. Nature never intended for us to have these overdeveloped brains." She tapped the side of her head. "This is an anomaly. Some kind of experiment, perhaps. The virus undoes the effects of the tampering. Am I making sense now?"
"Yes, and now I wish you'd stop."
She sighed. "I wish I could. But the inescapable conclusion is this: Those flesh-eating ghouls out there are exactly what nature and evolution had in mind all along. They are super-efficient predators. They are what we... what the human race is SUPPOSED to be."
I had to sit down.
"Wasn't there a movie like that?" I asked.
"I don't think so," she said. "I certainly hope not. The very last thing we need right now is to be sued for copyright infringement."
I started thinking about lawyers, and the zombies didn't seem so scary any more...
TO BE CONTINUED
